Six

In order of completed interviews: Albuquerque, Columbus, Baltimore, Phoenix, Houston, Chicago... My future is decided by a computer matching program on February 25. Ready for some closure, ready for some change.

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around
-Modest Mouse

PS

Spoon was great. Janelle Monae and Of Montreal... Off the hook! I wasn't sure how she would fit in with the craziness of Kevin Barnes (who I adore adore adore), but she puts on a show. If you haven't checked out Ms. Monae, you can catch a bit of her captivating nature on the Tightrope

the firefighters put out my fires, took all my matches...

It's been a Jets to Brazil sort of afternoon.

Here we are again at holiday time, and I'm feeling the gloom. I'll be home in December, so I opted out of a turkey day trip which was a mistake. The past few months have left me drained, and I'm not coping well with the ambiguity. Dissertation is proposed, and internship applications are in. So far, I've had two rejections (no Minnesota in my near future, and one of my Chicago sites was a miss) and one invitation (Hello, Columbus!). Hoping for more good news post-Thanksgiving.

With all this uncertainty about next year, I find myself missing the fam. I want to be able to menu plan and cook with Deb Deb and Pa Joe, go to shows with Big G (now that he's finally developed tastes beyond gangsta rap), drink margaritas with Quinn and Angela, and see my little monkey more than three times a year. Our skype visits are great, but blowing her kisses is not the same as real hugs. On the flip side, I can't imagine being happy in Dallas. I'm becoming less tolerant of intolerance with old age. I wish I could pick them all up and transport them some place a little more liberal and a lot more outdoorsy.

I'm making an effort to recover from the burn out, mentally and physically. My stack of non-school related books continues to grow, but I'm making more of an effort. Tooley started up a book club, which is mostly an excuse to have brunch and chat. We're in the middle of Harvest Home (1970's gothic horror). The heavy handed foreshadowing has me a bit apprehensive about what bizarre bloody rituals are about to go down in the last 100 pages- pretty sure rape and human sacrifice are on the menu. Starship Troopers is next- love me some Heinlein!

The chill and early dark have been deterring my runs, so I joined a gym this week. My plan is to use treadmill time as an opportunity to increase my pace. I'm also discovering that I quite like yoga. Here's to a healthier, happier end for 2010.

I'm tired of fighting, so I'm demolished - that's the way
Some make exhaustion a mode of expression and that's their way
I'm just a question knowing my answer, I hope I'm wrong
but I know the answer, it's four in the morning
I'm right again and I'm chinatown...
-Jets to Brazil

Girls can tell...

I gotta change my mind tonight
I can still change my mind tonight
Merging in traffic cross the lanes and then we become
Something bigger than just any one

Oh, and everything hits at once
What we needs is just what we wants
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
-Spoon

Yeah, I'm afraid of sharks, but not the dark...

For the record, life is sucking right now, so rather than bore you with my tales of misery and woe, I'm hiding out. Reminding myself that I chose this grad school path-o'-horror doesn't seem to eliminate or even alleviate the bitterness.
Things that are keeping me afloat... I made a Black Pearl Cake for Liz's birthday on Saturday night. Although the wasabi was undetectable, the end result was beyond tasty. I heart all things ginger.
CocoRosie was amazing. Made me wish for an operatic voice or at least mad beatbox skills. Spoon is tonight, so I'm looking forward to another few hours of respite before I take the plunge and don't emerge until November 1.

Midnight to noon
I'm a desert child
And mountains make me nauseous
I like to look up wild, at an infinite sky
Twinkling with diamonds
It's true, I get depressed in fancy hotel rooms
Undressed with nothing to flaunt but my loneliness
Thinking of the night song of your hair
Premature as evening falls
It calls to me
Interrupted by the sirens in the street
-CocoRosie

Piroshky Piroshky!

Daring cooks challenge for August: Pierogies!
I must admit that I never had the pleasure of eating pierogies until our May trip to Seattle. While enjoying the wonders of the Public Market, JA recommended that we grab a bite to eat at the Russian bakery- Piroshky Piroshky. I am a huge fan of all foods that involve stuffing tasty fillings into vessels of dough (samosas, fried pies, empanadas, etc.), so it's really a wonder that pierogies had never crossed my path before.
Despite my best intentions to get started early this month, I waited until the last possible minute for my experimentation. I decided on the Russian-style dough (flour, egg, and water as opposed to the cream/milk based-dough), mixing it up by incorporating half whole wheat flour and a few tablespoons of ground flax seed. The filling consisted of ground turkey (sauteed with onion, fennel seed, and cracked red pepper) and mashed red potatoes. Feeling a bit lazy, my pierogies were somewhat over-sized (less stuffing involved). I followed the traditional boil-and-pan-fry method for most, but also baked a few to compare textures. Not the prettiest pierogies ever, but delish! I served them with a green salad and sauteed kale from the garden.

eat, pray, love

I was already counting down the days until my Dallas trip- I've been missing the fam like crazy these past few months. I just got an email from mi madre that pushed the excitement over the edge. Thank goodness there's no video surveillance- a rather embarrassing happy dance just occurred.
I'm catching the tail end of Restaurant Week, and we now have a reservation at Loft 610! My top choices were already booked (Charlie Palmer's, Craft, Five Sixty, Stephan Pyles), but I am more than happy with this fine consolation prize. While other ladies I know are swooning over handsome actors, I have a bad habit of falling for Top Chef contestants. Seriously, gentlemen. The kitchen door is probably the fastest way to my heart. Tre Wilcox happens to be one of my faves (right behind Harold- *le sigh*; this season, there's unfortunately no one crush-worthy). I have no idea if he will actually be chef'ing when we patronize the Loft, but a girl can dream.

I'd break every law of physics...

I'm in denial that summer is half over. June taught me I could never survive a career that demands 80+ hours/week. I like sleep and me-time wayyy too much. Not to mention that when things return to normal pace, I shut down. Take yesterday, for example. My assessment was rescheduled, giving me back 6 lovely hours of potential productivity. Reports could have been written, articles read... And instead? I watched Kathy Griffin take on Alaska.

Happenings of 6/2010:
My belief in love-at-first-sight was renewed, thanks to Josh Ritter. Charming, contagiously happy, handsome (in a bookish kind of way)... It's really too bad he's already married- he has ties to neuroscience, and I'm pretty sure he would sing me to sleep on a nightly basis... The show made my Top 5 list. His band was spot on. It didn't hurt that his bass player did a stellar rendition of Wicked Games.
If you haven't listened to him, you should check out The Curse.

Teaching was a-okay. I would definitely do it again, but probably not during summer. 2 hours of talking, 5 days a week leaves a girl a little sick of the sound of her own voice. The internets saved my butt on more than one occasion- thank you, Nova!

My running log hit 109.96 miles. July will easily top that. Gwennie-poo is posting updates counting down the minutes and seconds until start time. We're making packing lists, training at altitude once a week, fitting in 2-a-days... Yet, I still wish we had one more month to train. I forgot how easily running could take over my whole existence. Gradually, I'm getting faster- had my personal best 10K. At this rate of improvement, maybe I'll qualify for Boston on my 80th birthday.

I've slacked on my last two Daring Kitchen assignments. I wish life would stay out of my chef-time...

Well, there's one more thing
I'll tell you if I can
It is not love
that makes a non-stick frying pan
but a top secret, trademark conglomerated,
most likely carcinogenic, polyeurothane compound
spreading of microthin substance over a negatively charged layer
of aluminum, copper, iron, lead, vhs, fyi, apple pie, FBI,
and some other elements too
but since you're gone
I wish I'd stuck to you...
-Josh Ritter

The easy way out...

My first Daring Cooks challenge hosted by Valerie, from The Chocolate Bunny, and Evelyne, from Cheap Ethnic Eatz!: pâté & bread. To be 100% honest, I took the easy way out. Although I shifted my diet to include poultry and sea-meat over 5 years ago, I still eat veggie most days of the week. I'm not totally comfortable preparing meat, especially of the offal kind, and my palate is not fond of pâté texture. So... I opted for the tri-color vegetarian pâté with homemade baguettes. Despite my lack of bravery, both turned out delicious! You can find the recipes if you follow the link for the Daring Kitchen.

Wind my way through TX and into NM...

It's been awhile, yet again. Somehow, my summer schedule increased in busy-ness. No sleep til Brooklyn...

Memorial Day weekend was fantastic, although my liver might disagree. Shots of Jameson? Seriously? Red and his Ft. Collins crew are trouble of the best kind. Minus the superfluous drinking, my belly left CO in a happy state. I highly recommend Cuba Cuba! and Steuben's (the latter especially for lovers of pork: bacon-infused-vodka bloody mary's- not my thing, but the other members of our party could not stop raving about these greasy-looking drinks).

The trip to Denver and the mid-May Seattle visit reminded me of the benefits of city life. Fantastic food, places to walk (and taxis to scoop you up when your feet get tired), interesting architecture, lots of entertainment to choose from... All factors that suddenly seem more important when thinking about my internship year.

After a frantic trip to the vet on Friday, I've banned myself from ever reproducing. It's possible that if my schedule gets hectic enough, I might not notice that my children haven't eaten in a week... Probably not the best trait for a parent to have. (In case you were worried, he'll survive. The vet isn't sure what's put him on hunger strike, but his appetite strangely improves when I give him tuna instead of the boring dry food. I'm feeling manipulated, but too guilty to not give in.)

Teaching has taken over my life. Lecturing two hours a day is beyond intense, but I lucked out and got a good group of kids. They ask questions and participate, far surpassing my expectations in that realm. But... the first test was Friday, and I'm feeling a bit like a failure. Class average was 66.4. Ah, dilemmas. I want them to do well, but I don't feel I should have to dumb down the material. My goal this week is to come up with some supports that don't compromise the integrity of the course, but give them additional tools for success. I'm ready for the month to be over- working all day Saturday & Sunday is no bueno.

Team dinner tonight to brainstorm names. Our top contenders right now: 6 Degrees at Elevation, The Third Leg is the Hardest, and Show Us Your Splits. Today was my my second 2-a-day- it felt surprisingly good. Less than two months- time to pick up the miles.

I've been down, I've been down too far to care
I keep getting in my car, but I'm not going anywhere
And I've been had, well, at least that's how it looks
And it's not funny like on TV and it's not smart like it is in books
And I wonder, yeah, I wonder how the world keeps spinnin' 'round
Where's a boy with bad intentions gonna settle down?
And I don't know what you've been told
The streets of where I'm from are paved with heart instead of gold...
-Old 97's

A New Chapter

I am now the "proud" owner of rather disturbing pictures of my internal workings. Still no closer to an explanation for all this fatigue and anemia, but I'm hopeful that in a week or so, the mystery will be solved. Meanwhile, I'm learning the hard way that medical compliance is no easy task (rather ironic, since we're in the midst of designing a new study to explore adherence issues in peds oncology). I'm diligently taking my iron supplements, but refusing the Centrum until I can find a vitamin that meets my own approval. In Seattle, I followed the "no running" rule because we were walking a million miles a day, but yesterday, got back on the road. It was a sad excuse for a run, but I have to start training again. August is fast approaching and I am behind schedule...

This week was crazy and my ability to regulate emotions went out the window. I've been working too many nights, which I usually don't mind. We have a great team- I'm lucky to work with people whose company I enjoy. I realized last night, in the midst of preparing a veggie feast (lentil/brown rice cakes, roasted cauliflower & broccoli, and steamed artichokes with roasted red bell pepper dipping sauce), that it's the lack of cooking that has me stressed. I like to have control over my food- I've gotten to the point that I hate eating out (although Seattle restaurants almost changed my mind on that front). There's also something therapeutic in the preparation- the chopping, measuring, following steps, improvising- that all results in a concrete, hopefully tasty, final product. With my mental health in mind, I've joined The Daring Kitchen. My sporadic posts will now be interspersed with photos of my culinary adventures. More than anything, it's to remind myself to take risks and take time.

The mall and misery

So all that business about my body revolting? Full on coup d'etat. It's comforting to have an explanation for the recent debilitating fatigue, but why does it have to be iron-deficiency anemia? I can hear my entire meat-lovin' family in the back of my head, teasing me about my 9 years of veggie life and trying to expand my current "no mammal" diet plan ("It's just a a little bacon, E, it won't kill ya..." *should be read with a hefty TX accent*). Despite my body insisting that it actually needs steak, my mind cannot stomach the thought. Hello, Iron Supplements; welcome to my world.

The almost-worst part? Doc telling me I need to cut back my exercise to "brisk walks" until this resolves. I'm slowing down, I'll take a few more days off during the week, but damned if my addiction is going to allow compliance on this issue. *sigh*

The absolute-worst part? Falls in the TMI category- lucky for you, unlucky for me. (Just so you get a bit of my inner monologue- ever since I started this post, I've had Alanis in the back of my head... Isn't it iron-ic? Dontcha think?)

In happier news, the day after the "worst part", I get to visit Jilly-pants in Seattle! Another trip planned for Denver on Memorial Day weekend- Broken Bells at the Gothic. Should be a good summer!

Use your intuition
It's all you've got
Keys are rare
And there's a dozen locks
Standing in your way
So goes the gold age
To your entire life...

I know what I know
Would not fill a thimble
So let your mind go (let my mind go)
Straight down the runway
-Broken Bells

ho-hum

Almost 48 hours of isolation this weekend (I refuse to count the cashier at Sunflower market as "company"). I have a love-hate relationship with solitude. On the plus side, it was nice to reacquaint myself with my music collection in a forum other than the running trail. I got to pick my own movie Friday night and didn't have to worry about how much time I've spent hidden behind the laptop screen. I actually get a bit uncomfortable if I'm around people too much. Yet... There's something disconcerting about being lost in thought. The tears-to-hours ratio was a bit ridiculous. I'm blaming my emotional lability on Shuffle's miraculous power to pull up every single song that immediately makes me cry. The basic principle of exposure therapy is failing me here (I've listened to most of these gems a bajillion times- my technical word for Monday morning). Luckily, the girls and Henry (my favorite gardener) came to the rescue, joining me for a lovely Sunday brunch and pulling me out of my melancholy. Best excuse ever to make cinnamon rolls- maple glazed, with triple fruit/pecan filling... mmmmm!

When Red came to visit (Thanksgiving, to put things in perspective), he bookmarked a half dozen websites destined to expand my musical repertoire. Sadly, they've been neglected until last night. My heart was immediately captured by Toad! I'll admit, I'm a sucker for a British accent. He also talks about his cats mid-podcast, so we're destined to be BFF's from afar. Here's hoping that this was the first step to ending my current lackadaisical-approach to music acquisition.

In school-related news, I joined a listserv (one that asked for "credentials" prior to granting my membership)- perhaps a true sign of career commitment? And... I am officially a professor! Summer session 1, Intro to Brain and Behavior. Here's hoping I can spread my enthusiasm on the topic to a handful of UNM undergrads. I've started collecting video clips and cartoons- not above doing a little song and dance to keep their interest. Maybe that can be my class motto: making brains sexy since 2010.

New Jean-Pierre Jeunet!
MicMacs

Things you should know by now... When post frequency picks up, there's probably something important I'm procrastinating on. *le sigh*

The trip to SF made me painfully aware of my grad school budget. I'm tired of watching my pennies, feeling guilty over every teeny splurge. Staying on Market & 4th was disastrous- temptation literally in every store front: Fcuk, Armani Exchange, Betsey Johnson, Prada, Lulu Lemon (a new, but worthy, obsession), Anthropologie, Ted Baker, Laundry... The excess of it all was a bit overwhelming. And wholly unnecessary. I don't know why I dream of spending loads of money on clothes- no matter how much I spend, I will never be fashion forward. Fancy price tags can't take away my innate awkwardness. Since returning to Abq, I can't seem to shake this urge to shop. Case in point- I found the coolest bamboo dry erase boards. I went so far as to add it to my virtual shopping cart, before succumbing to a reality check. Why spend $100 on something that has a functional equivalent available at Target for $10? You are tempting, my consumer-happy world, full of pretty, borderline-useless baubles...

be sure to wear some flowers in your hair...

I spent my most of my rainy Sunday huddled up in the United Airlines terminal at SFO with a copy of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles. While there are other places I would rather be with a good book (for instance: sofa, blanket, cup o' hot tea), I was pleased to have several hours to lose myself in words not related to psychology. Despite the multiple delays and a switched flight, I begrudgingly made it back in time for work.

I always worry a little, pre-trip, that things will be different with my HS crew. 12 years out, we easily fall into a comfortable routine- filling each other in on the details of life, while maintaining a familiar banter. Trip highlights included window shopping, a raw foods feast at Alive with the step sisters, super hero spottings (and zombies, oh my!), reminiscing with Kristen during the Palomar's nightly wine tasting, a walk to Chinatown in search of guava candy, strawberry cupcakes... The wedding was lovely. Stephen and Grace looked so incredibly happy- a contagious joyfulness that was visible in the face of every guest. The theme of family permeated the whole ceremony; after Mr. Chau's speech, it was hard to hold back the waterworks.

Before leaving Abq, I diligently mapped out a 6 mile run starting from my hotel. I was excited for the change in scenery. The plan was to make my way to Fisherman's Wharf then back around to Market Street, with an up-close view of the water. The drizzle and cold got the best of my motivation. Better to spend the last morning enjoying a warm breakfast with good company, eh? Trying to play catch up this week, but the weather is not cooperating. Windy miles seem infinitely harder than calm ones. On a semi-related note, props to the bro for outfitting my itunes with quite the collection of gangsta rap. Who knew that Biggie Smalls would be the best running buddy ever?

for the sake of momentum

which I seem to be lacking in all other areas of life...

My grand plan for a "productive" break was foiled (yet again) by my penchant for procrastination. I did have a spotlessly clean kitchen and tidied living room (how quickly these small and significant details drift back to disarray). Started on the bedroom, but it's a daunting task- so many stacks of random, potentially important journal articles (that once filed away, will never see daylight again).

I spent several hours collecting new recipes to try. Recent culinary successes include walnut pesto-chicken sausage-artichoke pizza; lemony shortcakes with strawberries and mango; slow-cooked Mediterranean chicken with almond couscous; nutty cauliflower quinoa (tasty and vegan!); double sesame tuna; whole grain and flax biscuits... Next up in the experiment line: baked Applesauce Doughnuts and homemade Thin Mints.

Although I have mixed feelings about seeing the snow leave, the spring weather has noticeably lifted my mood. I'm ready for Saturday morning trips to the farmer's market, long hikes, and afternoons spent elbow-deep in mud and seeds

The running update- finally broke my 20 mile/week barrier. Unfortunately, I've had to sacrifice kickboxing. There's been an anticipated increase in internalized aggression. Hopefully, my speed work outs will become an alternate outlet. Else, you should all keep your distance for a few weeks.

pictures of me...

I can only handle ambiguity in small doses. Weeks of dealing with it leaves me on edge and physically depleted. Just in case I wasn't emotionally aware of the strain, my body has staged a revolt. It feels like I've been sick more days than not since the semester started- objectively, I know this is a slight exaggeration, but I'm beyond frustrated. I eat healthy, I work out... but the sleep (which I've been skimping on) and the stress (over the top!) are winning this war.

Looking back over my past many months of "blogging," the under-reporting and over-reliance on lyrics speaks volumes. I've been preoccupied with topics inappropriate for public display. Pondering has gotten me nowhere, so I'm trying to get back into the moment and out of my futile meaning-of-life-exercises.

Only 8 days in the snow this year- we might sneak in one more this weekend. Equipment problems continued to plague me, but the last day at Angel Fire, everything fell into place. I got my boots adjusted and finally felt at one with my hand-me-down board. I rocked two black diamonds! Since there's no video evidence and only one witness, I'm sticking with that story... I have no wish to be a park rider, but hiking up to off-lift, in-bound trails, swimming in feet of fresh pow- that's my element. My new goal is to eventually ride a split board.

Eden turned three last month. I've been trying to catch her on Skype once a weekend, but she actually prefers the phone- it's easier to tote me around the house and "show" me things. Deb-Deb and Pa Joe are (rightfully) more cautious with the Mac. This weekend is her princess party, and I'm sad to miss it.

Other news: I'm officially back on the running band wagon. I finally defended my masters, just in time for Stumbleupon to bring my graduate career to a smashing end. Not surprisingly, half of the sites it handpicks for me involve pretty pictures of food and recipes. My kitty now has cleaner teeth than me (seriously... dental work for the munchkin... *sigh*). And that's it... That's my 2010.

Start stop and start
Stupid acting smart
Flirting with the flicks
You say it's just for kicks
You'll be the victim of your own dirty tricks
You got yourself to tease and displease

Doors swinging wide
You walked in to hide
Looking at your feet
Failure's complete
Saw you and me on the coin-op TV
Frozen in fear every time we appear
-Elliott Smith

My heart in the ground

It's a St. Vincent sort of day...

"I'm crawling through landmines
Just to know where you are
There's smoke in my eyes
Cause you're burning the ground

I'm crawling through landmines
Just to feel where you are
Under cover of night I put a pearl in the ground"