Down too far to care

Carlotta's wedding was lovely. My favorite moment of the whole weekend: we were waiting in the back room for the ceremony to begin. Her level of anticipation was visible; she hovered between tears and elation, exuding this ecstatic nervous energy that was truly beautiful. In 16 years, I've never seen her look so in love or so happy.

Despite the occasional downpour, Chicago in May is a much more pleasant place to be than the below-freezing tundra I visited back in January. I love the architecture and the vibrance, although I'm not quite ready to trade my mountains for a skyline view.









After only a day at home, I packed up again for Utah/Colorado tour 2011. Durango, Canyonlands, Moab, Arches, and Mesa Verde- 1200+ miles covered with minimal planning. 6 years into my NM residence, I am appalled at my lack of exploration. It helped having good company to push me into action.




Arches








Anasazi ruins at Mesa Verde





Since the two things I was looking forward to have drawn to a conclusion, I've fallen into a post-adventure slump. I've been spending too much time playing with google maps, estimating driving times, and wishing for a real summer...

I believe these lyrics have made an appearance here before, but the Old 97's have been haunting my inner monologue all week.

"And I wonder where I'll wind up, but I'm heading west I know, wind my way through Texas and into New Mexico. And I don't know what you've been told, the streets of where I'm from are paved with hearts instead of gold"

Moving is a dangerous endeavor for a girl prone to clumsiness. Covered in bruises and surrounded by piles of boxes, I am settling into my new casa, although you wouldn't guess it from the mess. Three days in, the munchkins remain overwhelmed. Their food dish is virtually untouched (especially unusual for Lear), and they oscillate between super-cuddle mode and instigating semi-malicious acts of destruction.

On Thursday, one of CRC's closest friends (and one of my favorites from his bunch) was hit while riding his bicycle. He was wearing a helmet, but he sustained a severe head injury and remains in a coma- a stark reminder of the random cruelty that exists in our universe. Although I am a step removed, the waiting is awful. I rarely long for religion, but in times of helplessness, I recognize the appeal. Sending all the positive energy I have to Matt, his family, and his Angela.

Just a little breath on the water now is all we need
Just a little strength in our hearts
Enough to heal
-Heather Nova

Is there any real magic?

For two months, I spent more hours than I care to reveal trawling through this. Seriously, xkcd- too close to my reality for comfort. Although the new casa is likely Minotaur-free, I have never been more excited to cease and desist frequent craigslist use. Paying the deposit on Wednesday, I felt an intense and immediate sense of relief- none of the usual anxiety that haunts me post-big decisions... Which is remarkable, considering the place is unfinished, a work in progress. I've committed to living there without seeing the end product- feels a bit like I've slipped a quarter into one of those grocery store vending machines, and now I wait to see what prize falls in my lap. I'm counting down the days until I leave this uncomfortably tenuous residence for a place that feels safe and inviting- repairing my sense of self by reconstructing my idea of home.

I'm no soothsayer
I don't speak in tongues
I don't say these things
To make you run, run, run

A parliament of owls
Had seen this coming
Took you for a field mouse
When they spied you running

Crying save me
From the fires
That I have lit
Oh, it was exciting
But it stung like a whip...
-The Lovely Sparrows

Tears for fears

Another year in Abq, and here I am, packing up for an in-town move. After the January debacle of preparing my Nana's house for auction, I am downsizing- cleaning out old files, throwing away extra copies of pictures, deciding what kitchen gadgets I can live without... It's all a little heartbreaking- throwing away pieces of my past. I inherited my family's tendency towards hoarding (what if some day I finally have an occasion to wear that adorable skirt that hasn't left my closet in three years?), but I'm determined to break the chain.
In the midst of all my old photos, I found little scraps of paper with quotations and song lyrics written on them. They littered my bulletin board in college- words I admired and wanted to remember. One seemed particularly relevant.

"We imagine that we remember things as they were, while in fact all we carry into the future are fragments which reconstruct a wholly illusory past."
-John Banville

In other news, I am slowly increasing my yoga practice and on Sunday, I realized why I have resisted this interest for so long. When I run, I lose myself- in songs and energy- taking out whatever aggressions the world dealt me that day on the pavement. With yoga, I'm stuck inside my head, and that's not always such a pretty place to be. Hoping that as my flexibility increases, I also learn to quiet my mind.
Quiet mind, strong heart...

Six

In order of completed interviews: Albuquerque, Columbus, Baltimore, Phoenix, Houston, Chicago... My future is decided by a computer matching program on February 25. Ready for some closure, ready for some change.

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around
-Modest Mouse

PS

Spoon was great. Janelle Monae and Of Montreal... Off the hook! I wasn't sure how she would fit in with the craziness of Kevin Barnes (who I adore adore adore), but she puts on a show. If you haven't checked out Ms. Monae, you can catch a bit of her captivating nature on the Tightrope

the firefighters put out my fires, took all my matches...

It's been a Jets to Brazil sort of afternoon.

Here we are again at holiday time, and I'm feeling the gloom. I'll be home in December, so I opted out of a turkey day trip which was a mistake. The past few months have left me drained, and I'm not coping well with the ambiguity. Dissertation is proposed, and internship applications are in. So far, I've had two rejections (no Minnesota in my near future, and one of my Chicago sites was a miss) and one invitation (Hello, Columbus!). Hoping for more good news post-Thanksgiving.

With all this uncertainty about next year, I find myself missing the fam. I want to be able to menu plan and cook with Deb Deb and Pa Joe, go to shows with Big G (now that he's finally developed tastes beyond gangsta rap), drink margaritas with Quinn and Angela, and see my little monkey more than three times a year. Our skype visits are great, but blowing her kisses is not the same as real hugs. On the flip side, I can't imagine being happy in Dallas. I'm becoming less tolerant of intolerance with old age. I wish I could pick them all up and transport them some place a little more liberal and a lot more outdoorsy.

I'm making an effort to recover from the burn out, mentally and physically. My stack of non-school related books continues to grow, but I'm making more of an effort. Tooley started up a book club, which is mostly an excuse to have brunch and chat. We're in the middle of Harvest Home (1970's gothic horror). The heavy handed foreshadowing has me a bit apprehensive about what bizarre bloody rituals are about to go down in the last 100 pages- pretty sure rape and human sacrifice are on the menu. Starship Troopers is next- love me some Heinlein!

The chill and early dark have been deterring my runs, so I joined a gym this week. My plan is to use treadmill time as an opportunity to increase my pace. I'm also discovering that I quite like yoga. Here's to a healthier, happier end for 2010.

I'm tired of fighting, so I'm demolished - that's the way
Some make exhaustion a mode of expression and that's their way
I'm just a question knowing my answer, I hope I'm wrong
but I know the answer, it's four in the morning
I'm right again and I'm chinatown...
-Jets to Brazil