pictures of me...

I can only handle ambiguity in small doses. Weeks of dealing with it leaves me on edge and physically depleted. Just in case I wasn't emotionally aware of the strain, my body has staged a revolt. It feels like I've been sick more days than not since the semester started- objectively, I know this is a slight exaggeration, but I'm beyond frustrated. I eat healthy, I work out... but the sleep (which I've been skimping on) and the stress (over the top!) are winning this war.

Looking back over my past many months of "blogging," the under-reporting and over-reliance on lyrics speaks volumes. I've been preoccupied with topics inappropriate for public display. Pondering has gotten me nowhere, so I'm trying to get back into the moment and out of my futile meaning-of-life-exercises.

Only 8 days in the snow this year- we might sneak in one more this weekend. Equipment problems continued to plague me, but the last day at Angel Fire, everything fell into place. I got my boots adjusted and finally felt at one with my hand-me-down board. I rocked two black diamonds! Since there's no video evidence and only one witness, I'm sticking with that story... I have no wish to be a park rider, but hiking up to off-lift, in-bound trails, swimming in feet of fresh pow- that's my element. My new goal is to eventually ride a split board.

Eden turned three last month. I've been trying to catch her on Skype once a weekend, but she actually prefers the phone- it's easier to tote me around the house and "show" me things. Deb-Deb and Pa Joe are (rightfully) more cautious with the Mac. This weekend is her princess party, and I'm sad to miss it.

Other news: I'm officially back on the running band wagon. I finally defended my masters, just in time for Stumbleupon to bring my graduate career to a smashing end. Not surprisingly, half of the sites it handpicks for me involve pretty pictures of food and recipes. My kitty now has cleaner teeth than me (seriously... dental work for the munchkin... *sigh*). And that's it... That's my 2010.

Start stop and start
Stupid acting smart
Flirting with the flicks
You say it's just for kicks
You'll be the victim of your own dirty tricks
You got yourself to tease and displease

Doors swinging wide
You walked in to hide
Looking at your feet
Failure's complete
Saw you and me on the coin-op TV
Frozen in fear every time we appear
-Elliott Smith

My heart in the ground

It's a St. Vincent sort of day...

"I'm crawling through landmines
Just to know where you are
There's smoke in my eyes
Cause you're burning the ground

I'm crawling through landmines
Just to feel where you are
Under cover of night I put a pearl in the ground"

poor places

My mind's been stuck in Wyoming for the past three days- reliving 2004. Things I remember about Laramie: graphic billboards displaying the horrors of meth addiction, the outspoken lawyer, crying in public, my first experience of altitude sickness (running is difficult when you're a visitor from sea level), seeing Grant through plexiglas... The worst part was the oscillation between fear and anger that results in nausea and exhaustion.
The scenery may change, but that gut-full-o'-dread is exactly the same.

In preparation for the big 3-0 (8 months away and I'm already dreading it), I'm committing myself to an ultra relay- 200 miles, 6 people x 6 legs. I've been needing a new goal, so this showed up at the perfect time. I figure if I put it in blog, I'm more likely to follow through.

My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
and i really want to see you tonight

And it makes no difference to me
how they cried all over overseas
It's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside
-Wilco

A rusty heart starts to whine

It's been a bizarre couple of weeks- wishing for places and people that are far away. Normalizing my melancholy with songs this afternoon...

My mind is like an orchard
Clustered in frozen portraits
Of blossoms that bloomed so fine
Just to drop from the vine
I've seen 'em all tonight
-TV on the Radio

muscle 'n flow

For over a year, my poor dying lappy was unable to play media (music or video) successfully. It's little processor would struggle to get out a few seconds of clear sound before it fell into skipping and scratching. I realized this morning that I am much happier when I have access to my 40+ gigs of music (although I readily admit it improves my ability to procrastinate ten-fold). Yay for newly acquired electronics!

Oh, in the morning,
I stumble
my way towards
the mirror and my makeup
it's light out
and I now
face just what I'm made of

There's so much more left to do
Well I'm not young, but I'm not through

tiny scores, tiny rooms
lofty goals met too soon
-Menomena

your leaves have drifted away...

You're just like your father
Buried deep under the water
You're resting on your laurels
And stepping on my toes
Whose side are you on?
What side is this anyway?
Put down your sword and crown
Come lay with me on the ground...

Passion Pit

My life, in comic form...

The scaredy cats have become the neighborhood bullies. A monumental battle happened Wednesday night in the back yard- Lear vs. giant-red-kitty. My maternal instinct kicked in, and I tried (in vain) to intervene. Lucky, for me at least, they quickly switched locations and finished the scrap elsewhere. Lear returned for cuddles with only minor injuries- it's hard to believe that my drooling giant, who flees whenever a human enters the house, is actually a territorial kung-fu master. On the upside, his new penchant for MMA has helped him lose some weight. Dagny is sticking with non-feline prey. Unfortunately, she enjoys playing more than administering the final death blow. Recent house guests have included a sparrow and several hummingbird moths (post-release, they like to buzz around the skylights until I can chase them out with a broom).

Only a week of summer left and motivation is still at an all time low. Giving myself an extra year makes it ever so much easier to justify procrastination.