with your e's and your ease...

Match...

2012-01-26T13:49:00.005-07:00

A year has passed, and I'm back in the same strange position- my future riding on the results of a computer algorithm. Interviews in early February in freezing Montreal, before my fate is decided on February 29. Obsessive email checking is near the end. From 10 applications, I have 9 interviews, and only one site left to hear from. I shouldn't be so anxious/excited to hear from the last place. As it stands, I can make a decision based on training opportunities and fit, but if Dallas gets into the mix, things suddenly become more complicated. Family and familiarity, all wrapped up into one tidy bundle... Impossible to predict how much that will alter the composition of my decision making tree.

As ready as I am for a change, it will be harder than I ever imagined to leave my desert home.

Formulating a null hypothesis

2011-12-05T15:42:00.004-07:00

Ryan Gosling can even make statistics sexy... Stolen from our former (and favorite!) stats TA.

When life hands you lemons...

2011-06-21T14:25:00.003-06:00

Walking home yesterday, I found myself thinking about Miss Mary Ann. It always catches me off guard- how quickly the memories (and the tears) well up and overflow... No matter how many years pass, the thought of her smile and her infectious laugh remains bright and powerful. Mary was eternally optimistic. Of late, my heart has been so bogged down- with anger and sadness and worry. I wish that I could capture even a bit of her spirit.
I suppose I am becoming more superstitious in my old age, but as soon as I thought of her, the song I was listening to ended and shuffle landed on an Elliott Smith song that I never paid attention to before.

"Talking to Mary, you know you don't have to shout
She can hear what you're thinking, like you were saying it right out loud..."

I miss you, my beautiful friend.

Down too far to care

2011-06-06T13:27:00.000-06:00

Carlotta's wedding was lovely. My favorite moment of the whole weekend: we were waiting in the back room for the ceremony to begin. Her level of anticipation was visible; she hovered between tears and elation, exuding this ecstatic nervous energy that was truly beautiful. In 16 years, I've never seen her look so in love or so happy.

Despite the occasional downpour, Chicago in May is a much more pleasant place to be than the below-freezing tundra I visited back in January. I love the architecture and the vibrance, although I'm not quite ready to trade my mountains for a skyline view.

After only a day at home, I packed up again for Utah/Colorado tour 2011. Durango, Canyonlands, Moab, Arches, and Mesa Verde- 1200+ miles covered with minimal planning. 6 years into my NM residence, I am appalled at my lack of exploration. It helped having good company to push me into action.

Arches

Anasazi ruins at Mesa Verde

Since the two things I was looking forward to have drawn to a conclusion, I've fallen into a post-adventure slump. I've been spending too much time playing with google maps, estimating driving times, and wishing for a real summer...

I believe these lyrics have made an appearance here before, but the Old 97's have been haunting my inner monologue all week.

"And I wonder where I'll wind up, but I'm heading west I know, wind my way through Texas and into New Mexico. And I don't know what you've been told, the streets of where I'm from are paved with hearts instead of gold"

2011-05-15T09:26:00.003-06:00

Moving is a dangerous endeavor for a girl prone to clumsiness. Covered in bruises and surrounded by piles of boxes, I am settling into my new casa, although you wouldn't guess it from the mess. Three days in, the munchkins remain overwhelmed. Their food dish is virtually untouched (especially unusual for Lear), and they oscillate between super-cuddle mode and instigating semi-malicious acts of destruction.

On Thursday, one of CRC's closest friends (and one of my favorites from his bunch) was hit while riding his bicycle. He was wearing a helmet, but he sustained a severe head injury and remains in a coma- a stark reminder of the random cruelty that exists in our universe. Although I am a step removed, the waiting is awful. I rarely long for religion, but in times of helplessness, I recognize the appeal. Sending all the positive energy I have to Matt, his family, and his Angela.

Just a little breath on the water now is all we need
Just a little strength in our hearts
Enough to heal
-Heather Nova

Is there any real magic?

2011-04-22T15:17:00.011-06:00

For two months, I spent more hours than I care to reveal trawling through this. Seriously, xkcd- too close to my reality for comfort. Although the new casa is likely Minotaur-free, I have never been more excited to cease and desist frequent craigslist use. Paying the deposit on Wednesday, I felt an intense and immediate sense of relief- none of the usual anxiety that haunts me post-big decisions... Which is remarkable, considering the place is unfinished, a work in progress. I've committed to living there without seeing the end product- feels a bit like I've slipped a quarter into one of those grocery store vending machines, and now I wait to see what prize falls in my lap. I'm counting down the days until I leave this uncomfortably tenuous residence for a place that feels safe and inviting- repairing my sense of self by reconstructing my idea of home.

I'm no soothsayer
I don't speak in tongues
I don't say these things
To make you run, run, run

A parliament of owls
Had seen this coming
Took you for a field mouse
When they spied you running

Crying save me
From the fires
That I have lit
Oh, it was exciting
But it stung like a whip...
-The Lovely Sparrows

Tears for fears

2011-03-23T15:52:00.006-06:00

Another year in Abq, and here I am, packing up for an in-town move. After the January debacle of preparing my Nana's house for auction, I am downsizing- cleaning out old files, throwing away extra copies of pictures, deciding what kitchen gadgets I can live without... It's all a little heartbreaking- throwing away pieces of my past. I inherited my family's tendency towards hoarding (what if some day I finally have an occasion to wear that adorable skirt that hasn't left my closet in three years?), but I'm determined to break the chain.
In the midst of all my old photos, I found little scraps of paper with quotations and song lyrics written on them. They littered my bulletin board in college- words I admired and wanted to remember. One seemed particularly relevant.

"We imagine that we remember things as they were, while in fact all we carry into the future are fragments which reconstruct a wholly illusory past."
-John Banville

In other news, I am slowly increasing my yoga practice and on Sunday, I realized why I have resisted this interest for so long. When I run, I lose myself- in songs and energy- taking out whatever aggressions the world dealt me that day on the pavement. With yoga, I'm stuck inside my head, and that's not always such a pretty place to be. Hoping that as my flexibility increases, I also learn to quiet my mind.
Quiet mind, strong heart...

Six

2010-12-18T08:31:00.004-07:00

In order of completed interviews: Albuquerque, Columbus, Baltimore, Phoenix, Houston, Chicago... My future is decided by a computer matching program on February 25. Ready for some closure, ready for some change.

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around
-Modest Mouse

PS

2010-11-20T18:20:00.003-07:00

Spoon was great. Janelle Monae and Of Montreal... Off the hook! I wasn't sure how she would fit in with the craziness of Kevin Barnes (who I adore adore adore), but she puts on a show. If you haven't checked out Ms. Monae, you can catch a bit of her captivating nature on the Tightrope

the firefighters put out my fires, took all my matches...

2010-11-20T16:49:00.005-07:00

It's been a Jets to Brazil sort of afternoon.

Here we are again at holiday time, and I'm feeling the gloom. I'll be home in December, so I opted out of a turkey day trip which was a mistake. The past few months have left me drained, and I'm not coping well with the ambiguity. Dissertation is proposed, and internship applications are in. So far, I've had two rejections (no Minnesota in my near future, and one of my Chicago sites was a miss) and one invitation (Hello, Columbus!). Hoping for more good news post-Thanksgiving.

With all this uncertainty about next year, I find myself missing the fam. I want to be able to menu plan and cook with Deb Deb and Pa Joe, go to shows with Big G (now that he's finally developed tastes beyond gangsta rap), drink margaritas with Quinn and Angela, and see my little monkey more than three times a year. Our skype visits are great, but blowing her kisses is not the same as real hugs. On the flip side, I can't imagine being happy in Dallas. I'm becoming less tolerant of intolerance with old age. I wish I could pick them all up and transport them some place a little more liberal and a lot more outdoorsy.

I'm making an effort to recover from the burn out, mentally and physically. My stack of non-school related books continues to grow, but I'm making more of an effort. Tooley started up a book club, which is mostly an excuse to have brunch and chat. We're in the middle of Harvest Home (1970's gothic horror). The heavy handed foreshadowing has me a bit apprehensive about what bizarre bloody rituals are about to go down in the last 100 pages- pretty sure rape and human sacrifice are on the menu. Starship Troopers is next- love me some Heinlein!

The chill and early dark have been deterring my runs, so I joined a gym this week. My plan is to use treadmill time as an opportunity to increase my pace. I'm also discovering that I quite like yoga. Here's to a healthier, happier end for 2010.

I'm tired of fighting, so I'm demolished - that's the way
Some make exhaustion a mode of expression and that's their way
I'm just a question knowing my answer, I hope I'm wrong
but I know the answer, it's four in the morning
I'm right again and I'm chinatown...
-Jets to Brazil

Girls can tell...

2010-10-05T23:37:00.002-06:00

I gotta change my mind tonight
I can still change my mind tonight
Merging in traffic cross the lanes and then we become
Something bigger than just any one

Oh, and everything hits at once
What we needs is just what we wants
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
-Spoon

Yeah, I'm afraid of sharks, but not the dark...

2010-10-04T16:30:00.005-06:00

For the record, life is sucking right now, so rather than bore you with my tales of misery and woe, I'm hiding out. Reminding myself that I chose this grad school path-o'-horror doesn't seem to eliminate or even alleviate the bitterness.
Things that are keeping me afloat... I made a Black Pearl Cake for Liz's birthday on Saturday night. Although the wasabi was undetectable, the end result was beyond tasty. I heart all things ginger.
CocoRosie was amazing. Made me wish for an operatic voice or at least mad beatbox skills. Spoon is tonight, so I'm looking forward to another few hours of respite before I take the plunge and don't emerge until November 1.

Midnight to noon
I'm a desert child
And mountains make me nauseous
I like to look up wild, at an infinite sky
Twinkling with diamonds
It's true, I get depressed in fancy hotel rooms
Undressed with nothing to flaunt but my loneliness
Thinking of the night song of your hair
Premature as evening falls
It calls to me
Interrupted by the sirens in the street
-CocoRosie

Piroshky Piroshky!

2010-08-14T08:56:00.007-06:00

Daring cooks challenge for August: Pierogies!
I must admit that I never had the pleasure of eating pierogies until our May trip to Seattle. While enjoying the wonders of the Public Market, JA recommended that we grab a bite to eat at the Russian bakery- Piroshky Piroshky. I am a huge fan of all foods that involve stuffing tasty fillings into vessels of dough (samosas, fried pies, empanadas, etc.), so it's really a wonder that pierogies had never crossed my path before.
Despite my best intentions to get started early this month, I waited until the last possible minute for my experimentation. I decided on the Russian-style dough (flour, egg, and water as opposed to the cream/milk based-dough), mixing it up by incorporating half whole wheat flour and a few tablespoons of ground flax seed. The filling consisted of ground turkey (sauteed with onion, fennel seed, and cracked red pepper) and mashed red potatoes. Feeling a bit lazy, my pierogies were somewhat over-sized (less stuffing involved). I followed the traditional boil-and-pan-fry method for most, but also baked a few to compare textures. Not the prettiest pierogies ever, but delish! I served them with a green salad and sauteed kale from the garden.

eat, pray, love

2010-07-23T22:44:00.003-06:00

I was already counting down the days until my Dallas trip- I've been missing the fam like crazy these past few months. I just got an email from mi madre that pushed the excitement over the edge. Thank goodness there's no video surveillance- a rather embarrassing happy dance just occurred.
I'm catching the tail end of Restaurant Week, and we now have a reservation at Loft 610! My top choices were already booked (Charlie Palmer's, Craft, Five Sixty, Stephan Pyles), but I am more than happy with this fine consolation prize. While other ladies I know are swooning over handsome actors, I have a bad habit of falling for Top Chef contestants. Seriously, gentlemen. The kitchen door is probably the fastest way to my heart. Tre Wilcox happens to be one of my faves (right behind Harold- *le sigh*; this season, there's unfortunately no one crush-worthy). I have no idea if he will actually be chef'ing when we patronize the Loft, but a girl can dream.

I'd break every law of physics...

2010-07-02T10:22:00.017-06:00

I'm in denial that summer is half over. June taught me I could never survive a career that demands 80+ hours/week. I like sleep and me-time wayyy too much. Not to mention that when things return to normal pace, I shut down. Take yesterday, for example. My assessment was rescheduled, giving me back 6 lovely hours of potential productivity. Reports could have been written, articles read... And instead? I watched Kathy Griffin take on Alaska.

Happenings of 6/2010:
My belief in love-at-first-sight was renewed, thanks to Josh Ritter. Charming, contagiously happy, handsome (in a bookish kind of way)... It's really too bad he's already married- he has ties to neuroscience, and I'm pretty sure he would sing me to sleep on a nightly basis... The show made my Top 5 list. His band was spot on. It didn't hurt that his bass player did a stellar rendition of Wicked Games.
If you haven't listened to him, you should check out The Curse.

Teaching was a-okay. I would definitely do it again, but probably not during summer. 2 hours of talking, 5 days a week leaves a girl a little sick of the sound of her own voice. The internets saved my butt on more than one occasion- thank you, Nova!

My running log hit 109.96 miles. July will easily top that. Gwennie-poo is posting updates counting down the minutes and seconds until start time. We're making packing lists, training at altitude once a week, fitting in 2-a-days... Yet, I still wish we had one more month to train. I forgot how easily running could take over my whole existence. Gradually, I'm getting faster- had my personal best 10K. At this rate of improvement, maybe I'll qualify for Boston on my 80th birthday.

I've slacked on my last two Daring Kitchen assignments. I wish life would stay out of my chef-time...

Well, there's one more thing
I'll tell you if I can
It is not love
that makes a non-stick frying pan
but a top secret, trademark conglomerated,
most likely carcinogenic, polyeurothane compound
spreading of microthin substance over a negatively charged layer
of aluminum, copper, iron, lead, vhs, fyi, apple pie, FBI,
and some other elements too
but since you're gone
I wish I'd stuck to you...
-Josh Ritter

The easy way out...

2010-06-14T16:29:00.004-06:00

My first Daring Cooks challenge hosted by Valerie, from The Chocolate Bunny, and Evelyne, from Cheap Ethnic Eatz!: pâté & bread. To be 100% honest, I took the easy way out. Although I shifted my diet to include poultry and sea-meat over 5 years ago, I still eat veggie most days of the week. I'm not totally comfortable preparing meat, especially of the offal kind, and my palate is not fond of pâté texture. So... I opted for the tri-color vegetarian pâté with homemade baguettes. Despite my lack of bravery, both turned out delicious! You can find the recipes if you follow the link for the Daring Kitchen.

Wind my way through TX and into NM...

2010-05-23T23:09:00.005-06:00

It's been awhile, yet again. Somehow, my summer schedule increased in busy-ness. No sleep til Brooklyn...

Memorial Day weekend was fantastic, although my liver might disagree. Shots of Jameson? Seriously? Red and his Ft. Collins crew are trouble of the best kind. Minus the superfluous drinking, my belly left CO in a happy state. I highly recommend Cuba Cuba! and Steuben's (the latter especially for lovers of pork: bacon-infused-vodka bloody mary's- not my thing, but the other members of our party could not stop raving about these greasy-looking drinks).

The trip to Denver and the mid-May Seattle visit reminded me of the benefits of city life. Fantastic food, places to walk (and taxis to scoop you up when your feet get tired), interesting architecture, lots of entertainment to choose from... All factors that suddenly seem more important when thinking about my internship year.

After a frantic trip to the vet on Friday, I've banned myself from ever reproducing. It's possible that if my schedule gets hectic enough, I might not notice that my children haven't eaten in a week... Probably not the best trait for a parent to have. (In case you were worried, he'll survive. The vet isn't sure what's put him on hunger strike, but his appetite strangely improves when I give him tuna instead of the boring dry food. I'm feeling manipulated, but too guilty to not give in.)

Teaching has taken over my life. Lecturing two hours a day is beyond intense, but I lucked out and got a good group of kids. They ask questions and participate, far surpassing my expectations in that realm. But... the first test was Friday, and I'm feeling a bit like a failure. Class average was 66.4. Ah, dilemmas. I want them to do well, but I don't feel I should have to dumb down the material. My goal this week is to come up with some supports that don't compromise the integrity of the course, but give them additional tools for success. I'm ready for the month to be over- working all day Saturday & Sunday is no bueno.

Team dinner tonight to brainstorm names. Our top contenders right now: 6 Degrees at Elevation, The Third Leg is the Hardest, and Show Us Your Splits. Today was my my second 2-a-day- it felt surprisingly good. Less than two months- time to pick up the miles.

I've been down, I've been down too far to care
I keep getting in my car, but I'm not going anywhere
And I've been had, well, at least that's how it looks
And it's not funny like on TV and it's not smart like it is in books
And I wonder, yeah, I wonder how the world keeps spinnin' 'round
Where's a boy with bad intentions gonna settle down?
And I don't know what you've been told
The streets of where I'm from are paved with heart instead of gold...
-Old 97's

A New Chapter

2010-05-07T07:11:00.005-06:00

I am now the "proud" owner of rather disturbing pictures of my internal workings. Still no closer to an explanation for all this fatigue and anemia, but I'm hopeful that in a week or so, the mystery will be solved. Meanwhile, I'm learning the hard way that medical compliance is no easy task (rather ironic, since we're in the midst of designing a new study to explore adherence issues in peds oncology). I'm diligently taking my iron supplements, but refusing the Centrum until I can find a vitamin that meets my own approval. In Seattle, I followed the "no running" rule because we were walking a million miles a day, but yesterday, got back on the road. It was a sad excuse for a run, but I have to start training again. August is fast approaching and I am behind schedule...

This week was crazy and my ability to regulate emotions went out the window. I've been working too many nights, which I usually don't mind. We have a great team- I'm lucky to work with people whose company I enjoy. I realized last night, in the midst of preparing a veggie feast (lentil/brown rice cakes, roasted cauliflower & broccoli, and steamed artichokes with roasted red bell pepper dipping sauce), that it's the lack of cooking that has me stressed. I like to have control over my food- I've gotten to the point that I hate eating out (although Seattle restaurants almost changed my mind on that front). There's also something therapeutic in the preparation- the chopping, measuring, following steps, improvising- that all results in a concrete, hopefully tasty, final product. With my mental health in mind, I've joined The Daring Kitchen. My sporadic posts will now be interspersed with photos of my culinary adventures. More than anything, it's to remind myself to take risks and take time.

The mall and misery

2010-04-22T21:33:00.007-06:00

So all that business about my body revolting? Full on coup d'etat. It's comforting to have an explanation for the recent debilitating fatigue, but why does it have to be iron-deficiency anemia? I can hear my entire meat-lovin' family in the back of my head, teasing me about my 9 years of veggie life and trying to expand my current "no mammal" diet plan ("It's just a a little bacon, E, it won't kill ya..." *should be read with a hefty TX accent*). Despite my body insisting that it actually needs steak, my mind cannot stomach the thought. Hello, Iron Supplements; welcome to my world.

The almost-worst part? Doc telling me I need to cut back my exercise to "brisk walks" until this resolves. I'm slowing down, I'll take a few more days off during the week, but damned if my addiction is going to allow compliance on this issue. *sigh*

The absolute-worst part? Falls in the TMI category- lucky for you, unlucky for me. (Just so you get a bit of my inner monologue- ever since I started this post, I've had Alanis in the back of my head... Isn't it iron-ic? Dontcha think?)

In happier news, the day after the "worst part", I get to visit Jilly-pants in Seattle! Another trip planned for Denver on Memorial Day weekend- Broken Bells at the Gothic. Should be a good summer!

Use your intuition
It's all you've got
Keys are rare
And there's a dozen locks
Standing in your way
So goes the gold age
To your entire life...

I know what I know
Would not fill a thimble
So let your mind go (let my mind go)
Straight down the runway
-Broken Bells

ho-hum

2010-04-17T23:51:00.006-06:00

Almost 48 hours of isolation this weekend (I refuse to count the cashier at Sunflower market as "company"). I have a love-hate relationship with solitude. On the plus side, it was nice to reacquaint myself with my music collection in a forum other than the running trail. I got to pick my own movie Friday night and didn't have to worry about how much time I've spent hidden behind the laptop screen. I actually get a bit uncomfortable if I'm around people too much. Yet... There's something disconcerting about being lost in thought. The tears-to-hours ratio was a bit ridiculous. I'm blaming my emotional lability on Shuffle's miraculous power to pull up every single song that immediately makes me cry. The basic principle of exposure therapy is failing me here (I've listened to most of these gems a bajillion times- my technical word for Monday morning). Luckily, the girls and Henry (my favorite gardener) came to the rescue, joining me for a lovely Sunday brunch and pulling me out of my melancholy. Best excuse ever to make cinnamon rolls- maple glazed, with triple fruit/pecan filling... mmmmm!

When Red came to visit (Thanksgiving, to put things in perspective), he bookmarked a half dozen websites destined to expand my musical repertoire. Sadly, they've been neglected until last night. My heart was immediately captured by Toad! I'll admit, I'm a sucker for a British accent. He also talks about his cats mid-podcast, so we're destined to be BFF's from afar. Here's hoping that this was the first step to ending my current lackadaisical-approach to music acquisition.

In school-related news, I joined a listserv (one that asked for "credentials" prior to granting my membership)- perhaps a true sign of career commitment? And... I am officially a professor! Summer session 1, Intro to Brain and Behavior. Here's hoping I can spread my enthusiasm on the topic to a handful of UNM undergrads. I've started collecting video clips and cartoons- not above doing a little song and dance to keep their interest. Maybe that can be my class motto: making brains sexy since 2010.

2010-04-16T23:57:00.001-06:00

New Jean-Pierre Jeunet!
MicMacs

2010-04-06T17:16:00.002-06:00

Things you should know by now... When post frequency picks up, there's probably something important I'm procrastinating on. *le sigh*

The trip to SF made me painfully aware of my grad school budget. I'm tired of watching my pennies, feeling guilty over every teeny splurge. Staying on Market & 4th was disastrous- temptation literally in every store front: Fcuk, Armani Exchange, Betsey Johnson, Prada, Lulu Lemon (a new, but worthy, obsession), Anthropologie, Ted Baker, Laundry... The excess of it all was a bit overwhelming. And wholly unnecessary. I don't know why I dream of spending loads of money on clothes- no matter how much I spend, I will never be fashion forward. Fancy price tags can't take away my innate awkwardness. Since returning to Abq, I can't seem to shake this urge to shop. Case in point- I found the coolest bamboo dry erase boards. I went so far as to add it to my virtual shopping cart, before succumbing to a reality check. Why spend $100 on something that has a functional equivalent available at Target for $10? You are tempting, my consumer-happy world, full of pretty, borderline-useless baubles...

be sure to wear some flowers in your hair...

2010-04-05T15:20:00.005-06:00

I spent my most of my rainy Sunday huddled up in the United Airlines terminal at SFO with a copy of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles. While there are other places I would rather be with a good book (for instance: sofa, blanket, cup o' hot tea), I was pleased to have several hours to lose myself in words not related to psychology. Despite the multiple delays and a switched flight, I begrudgingly made it back in time for work.

I always worry a little, pre-trip, that things will be different with my HS crew. 12 years out, we easily fall into a comfortable routine- filling each other in on the details of life, while maintaining a familiar banter. Trip highlights included window shopping, a raw foods feast at Alive with the step sisters, super hero spottings (and zombies, oh my!), reminiscing with Kristen during the Palomar's nightly wine tasting, a walk to Chinatown in search of guava candy, strawberry cupcakes... The wedding was lovely. Stephen and Grace looked so incredibly happy- a contagious joyfulness that was visible in the face of every guest. The theme of family permeated the whole ceremony; after Mr. Chau's speech, it was hard to hold back the waterworks.

Before leaving Abq, I diligently mapped out a 6 mile run starting from my hotel. I was excited for the change in scenery. The plan was to make my way to Fisherman's Wharf then back around to Market Street, with an up-close view of the water. The drizzle and cold got the best of my motivation. Better to spend the last morning enjoying a warm breakfast with good company, eh? Trying to play catch up this week, but the weather is not cooperating. Windy miles seem infinitely harder than calm ones. On a semi-related note, props to the bro for outfitting my itunes with quite the collection of gangsta rap. Who knew that Biggie Smalls would be the best running buddy ever?

for the sake of momentum

2010-03-14T20:10:00.007-06:00

which I seem to be lacking in all other areas of life...

My grand plan for a "productive" break was foiled (yet again) by my penchant for procrastination. I did have a spotlessly clean kitchen and tidied living room (how quickly these small and significant details drift back to disarray). Started on the bedroom, but it's a daunting task- so many stacks of random, potentially important journal articles (that once filed away, will never see daylight again).

I spent several hours collecting new recipes to try. Recent culinary successes include walnut pesto-chicken sausage-artichoke pizza; lemony shortcakes with strawberries and mango; slow-cooked Mediterranean chicken with almond couscous; nutty cauliflower quinoa (tasty and vegan!); double sesame tuna; whole grain and flax biscuits... Next up in the experiment line: baked Applesauce Doughnuts and homemade Thin Mints.

Although I have mixed feelings about seeing the snow leave, the spring weather has noticeably lifted my mood. I'm ready for Saturday morning trips to the farmer's market, long hikes, and afternoons spent elbow-deep in mud and seeds

The running update- finally broke my 20 mile/week barrier. Unfortunately, I've had to sacrifice kickboxing. There's been an anticipated increase in internalized aggression. Hopefully, my speed work outs will become an alternate outlet. Else, you should all keep your distance for a few weeks.

pictures of me...

2010-02-08T15:32:00.004-07:00

I can only handle ambiguity in small doses. Weeks of dealing with it leaves me on edge and physically depleted. Just in case I wasn't emotionally aware of the strain, my body has staged a revolt. It feels like I've been sick more days than not since the semester started- objectively, I know this is a slight exaggeration, but I'm beyond frustrated. I eat healthy, I work out... but the sleep (which I've been skimping on) and the stress (over the top!) are winning this war.

Looking back over my past many months of "blogging," the under-reporting and over-reliance on lyrics speaks volumes. I've been preoccupied with topics inappropriate for public display. Pondering has gotten me nowhere, so I'm trying to get back into the moment and out of my futile meaning-of-life-exercises.

Only 8 days in the snow this year- we might sneak in one more this weekend. Equipment problems continued to plague me, but the last day at Angel Fire, everything fell into place. I got my boots adjusted and finally felt at one with my hand-me-down board. I rocked two black diamonds! Since there's no video evidence and only one witness, I'm sticking with that story... I have no wish to be a park rider, but hiking up to off-lift, in-bound trails, swimming in feet of fresh pow- that's my element. My new goal is to eventually ride a split board.

Eden turned three last month. I've been trying to catch her on Skype once a weekend, but she actually prefers the phone- it's easier to tote me around the house and "show" me things. Deb-Deb and Pa Joe are (rightfully) more cautious with the Mac. This weekend is her princess party, and I'm sad to miss it.

Other news: I'm officially back on the running band wagon. I finally defended my masters, just in time for Stumbleupon to bring my graduate career to a smashing end. Not surprisingly, half of the sites it handpicks for me involve pretty pictures of food and recipes. My kitty now has cleaner teeth than me (seriously... dental work for the munchkin... *sigh*). And that's it... That's my 2010.

Start stop and start
Stupid acting smart
Flirting with the flicks
You say it's just for kicks
You'll be the victim of your own dirty tricks
You got yourself to tease and displease

Doors swinging wide
You walked in to hide
Looking at your feet
Failure's complete
Saw you and me on the coin-op TV
Frozen in fear every time we appear
-Elliott Smith

My heart in the ground

2010-02-01T16:49:00.003-07:00

It's a St. Vincent sort of day...

"I'm crawling through landmines
Just to know where you are
There's smoke in my eyes
Cause you're burning the ground

I'm crawling through landmines
Just to feel where you are
Under cover of night I put a pearl in the ground"

poor places

2009-12-12T12:24:00.003-07:00

My mind's been stuck in Wyoming for the past three days- reliving 2004. Things I remember about Laramie: graphic billboards displaying the horrors of meth addiction, the outspoken lawyer, crying in public, my first experience of altitude sickness (running is difficult when you're a visitor from sea level), seeing Grant through plexiglas... The worst part was the oscillation between fear and anger that results in nausea and exhaustion.
The scenery may change, but that gut-full-o'-dread is exactly the same.

In preparation for the big 3-0 (8 months away and I'm already dreading it), I'm committing myself to an ultra relay- 200 miles, 6 people x 6 legs. I've been needing a new goal, so this showed up at the perfect time. I figure if I put it in blog, I'm more likely to follow through.

My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
and i really want to see you tonight

And it makes no difference to me
how they cried all over overseas
It's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside
-Wilco

A rusty heart starts to whine

2009-11-06T14:46:00.003-07:00

It's been a bizarre couple of weeks- wishing for places and people that are far away. Normalizing my melancholy with songs this afternoon...

My mind is like an orchard
Clustered in frozen portraits
Of blossoms that bloomed so fine
Just to drop from the vine
I've seen 'em all tonight
-TV on the Radio

muscle 'n flow

2009-10-26T09:45:00.004-06:00

For over a year, my poor dying lappy was unable to play media (music or video) successfully. It's little processor would struggle to get out a few seconds of clear sound before it fell into skipping and scratching. I realized this morning that I am much happier when I have access to my 40+ gigs of music (although I readily admit it improves my ability to procrastinate ten-fold). Yay for newly acquired electronics!

Oh, in the morning,
I stumble
my way towards
the mirror and my makeup
it's light out
and I now
face just what I'm made of

There's so much more left to do
Well I'm not young, but I'm not through

tiny scores, tiny rooms
lofty goals met too soon
-Menomena

your leaves have drifted away...

2009-10-11T16:13:00.002-06:00

You're just like your father
Buried deep under the water
You're resting on your laurels
And stepping on my toes
Whose side are you on?
What side is this anyway?
Put down your sword and crown
Come lay with me on the ground...

Passion Pit

2009-08-13T14:36:00.008-06:00

My life, in comic form...

The scaredy cats have become the neighborhood bullies. A monumental battle happened Wednesday night in the back yard- Lear vs. giant-red-kitty. My maternal instinct kicked in, and I tried (in vain) to intervene. Lucky, for me at least, they quickly switched locations and finished the scrap elsewhere. Lear returned for cuddles with only minor injuries- it's hard to believe that my drooling giant, who flees whenever a human enters the house, is actually a territorial kung-fu master. On the upside, his new penchant for MMA has helped him lose some weight. Dagny is sticking with non-feline prey. Unfortunately, she enjoys playing more than administering the final death blow. Recent house guests have included a sparrow and several hummingbird moths (post-release, they like to buzz around the skylights until I can chase them out with a broom).

Only a week of summer left and motivation is still at an all time low. Giving myself an extra year makes it ever so much easier to justify procrastination.

Mind was on holiday...

2009-06-11T21:59:00.004-06:00

it's taking some adjustment being back in the real world. we returned from our Costa Rican adventures monday afternoon. i'm in love with the jungle. we started out from Alajuela, driving north in our stylie red bego. spent two nights and one full day admiring Volcan Arenal. we ziplined, hiked to a waterfall, and visited fancy schmancy hot springs (with water slides- heaven!). our next destination was Jaco, to purchase a surf board. spent the night in Playa Estrellita Oeste- a lovely little deserted beach. next on the agenda- Parque Nacional de Manuel Antonio. spotted three of the four costa rican species of monkeys, a sloth, and a dead cayman. this was also the only spot that was protected enough for snorkeling- things are a bit murky on the pacific side during the rainy season. the rest of the trip was spent in dominical, traipsing around to the local beaches (Playa Dominicalito, Hermosa, & Uvita). i took a surf lesson and caught some sweet "waves" (by which, i mean white water). we ATV'ed, rode horses, ate Tico food, visited more waterfalls, chilled by the pool, drank Imperial... the wedding itself was the highlight of the trip. it sprinkled and then down poured, but the mother-of-the-bride came prepared with white umbrellas for all the guests. the reception was spent mostly in darkness, due to a local power outage. i can't imagine a more perfect and romantic wedding.
everywhere we traveled, there were 'must sale' signs- land, houses, hotels... if only money grew on trees. i can picture myself in a casita, serving cocktails to guests and making them breakfast, spending the afternoons in the water. a bit premature to retire before i've even finished my degree.

Tico times!

It's an open road will we soon see the end
It's an open book, a story to tell the band

There is hardly a method you know

I'm a storm faced cloud, hanging in dystrophy
I'm a cold, base clown laughing at enemies
It's a rough wild world could you please chaperone
It's a mind field trip, oh leave it the fuck alone
-TV on the Radio

All the faults of the world...

2009-04-27T09:49:00.007-06:00

i logged on today to find a plethora of half-finished posts which blogger lovingly saves for my own private perusal. the number of months that have passed is a bit ridiculous, so this is only a partial update.
most importantly, gabe arrived (just over two weeks ago!) and he's absolutely beautiful. e & m are settling into home with lots of family around to help ease the transition. i can't wait to meet him.
the house has been quiet this week and i've fallen into a bit of a funk. i'm blaming the gloomy weather- quite the anomaly for early summer in the 505. i love the chill and the clouds, but it makes me lazy and contemplative. my fourth year is officially over. i'm losing a classmate and friend, which keeps the hope alive that some day i might have three extra letters to tag-along after my name. it also reminds me of so many other transitions- how we master the art of entwining our lives with the lives of others and eventually have to disentangle. i'm missing my family and missing home.
on a happier note, the garden is shaping up quite nicely. i've been eating salad twice a day- the lettuce and kale are going crazy! counting down the days until we have fresh tomatoes.
recent obsessions: soy yogurt with fresh fruit, In Treatment, costa rica travel websites, Gang Gang Dance

Winston, I'm sorry. There's no word from Washington.
You can see all the faults of the world outside your window.
"Clementine's gone off to bed. Sir, I'll see you in the morning."
Winston I'm sorry, I don't know where Franklin's gone.
On the evening radio, with his hand to God, he said, "I knew it all along." Then when he and I talked, he said, "Tell me what you think of the world, would you now?"

It's important that we meet now, there isn't enough to go home. "I beg your pardon if you woke up feeling sorry," I said.
"There isn't enough to go now." I saw you smile with your people when you got off board. Oh, we're in a puzzle now.
-Bound Stems

co-habitation

2009-01-14T15:28:00.002-07:00

i should be packing, but my apartment is cold and i've been spending as much time as possible away from it. i'm slowly unloading un-necessities on craigslist and making a substantial goodwill pile. my kitties have been quite lonely- i hope they adjust quickly to their new casa.

we completed our seventh day of boarding last weekend, and i'm feeling slightly more competent. at this point, i can comfortably place a large chunk of my initial failure on poorly sized boots (not that i'm completely writing off my difficulties with coordination or fear of speed...). almost three sizes too big, they made controlling the board a wee bit difficult.

tonight, we trek to santa fe for a non-snow adventure. tapes 'n tapes are playing at the brewery, and i m ecstatic!

au contraire, mon frere

2009-01-04T19:37:00.005-07:00

Christmas was full of cookies and Eden, as my pictures will reflect.

From Christmas 2008

i got to catch up with the Plano crew and ran into some random friendly faces at the Londoner. Fro yo with Maggie and Jeffypop, wine drinking and shopping with Carlotta, rock band and cranium with the boys...
Less family drama than usual, although my Nana called me a contrary fart and gave me the silent treatment on more than one occasion... Understandably, she's having a hard time deciding about the move. She's ridiculously attached to her belongings and i think they may win out over safety and family. It's a good reminder to myself that getting wrapped up in consumerism has very real consequences.

i'm all sorts of bruised up from our first day of snowboarding (and have an ironically consequential knot on my head from bumping into a cabinet while searching for ibuprofen and arnica). here's hoping for less falls and a better grasp of toe edge turns...

A broken branch I'd be, if you weren't grown to me

2008-12-20T15:42:00.002-07:00

Christmas is less than a week away, and i still haven't mustered up any holiday spirit... last minute shopping and the extremely long drive are filling me with dread rather than tidings of good cheer. regardless, i am ready to be at home. my favorite thing about this time of year is cooking with mi madre. although i'm slowly building up my own private arsenal, her kitchen is (by far) better equipped for massive amounts of baking (the highlight being her fabulous new convection oven... *le sigh*).
my apartment is clean for the first time since the comps crunch began. even though the remainder of my list got put on hold for the day, it feels remarkably calming for all the clutter to be temporarily in order.

I guess they'll read everything about you.
Though the press might shoot me down I'm still true.
I sell my book for free. That's what you do to me.

Oh, you are my family tree.
Be good to me
Take care of me.
-Ben Kweller

i want my mtv

2008-11-07T18:03:00.004-07:00

this website might lead to my academic downfall...
MTV Music
every video ever (or at least every one that i can think of and care to see again)

edit: have i told you lately how much i heart christopher walken? i've never been happier- easy access to a high quality copy of weapon of choice- i'm gonna learn the whole routine.

si se puede

2008-11-04T22:41:00.002-07:00

after a week spent crying tears of loss, it felt good to cry for hope and joy last night. for the first time in my somewhat brief career as a voter, my voice was heard and my state, with our five little electoral votes, added to the victory. i hope i can keep my cynicism on the back burner for awhile- it feels good to believe.

in this life like weeds

2008-10-14T22:28:00.004-06:00

apologies for my extended absence. suffering from a horrific case of writer's block- i can't make myself write my comps and i've been avoiding writing in my journal. here's to breaking two months of silence, in hopes that the words start flowing in other arenas of my life...
the weather decided to turn cool without much warning, reminding me that in winter my apartment morphs into a human refrigerator. no amount of hot tea or sweatshirt-layering makes the chill go away, but i refuse to turn on the heater when the outside temp is in the mid-to-high-50's. i miss the days of central air/heating, when i had a little box that magically kept my home at a comfortable 78 degrees. thermostat- where are you now, when i need you the most?
my mom is a bad ass. she and several of her closest friends jumped out of an airplane last weekend to celebrate their birthdays.
here she is looking remarkably calm pre-jump:

From Blogger Pictures

here she is on her way down...

From Blogger Pictures

i believe that i've mentioned this before, but i was reminded last night. when i go, i want it to be fast and painless for my family. i don't want anyone to have to cleanup after me. i don't want to linger and become someone other than myself.

All this talkin' all the time and the air fills up, up, up
Until there's nothin' left to breathe
And you think you feel most everything
And we know that our hearts are just made out of strings
To be pulled, strings to be pulled
-Modest Mouse

keep them all checking their watches

2008-08-14T16:02:00.004-06:00

returned from viejo mexico tuesday night. i put up pictures (more than anyone really wants to see) on picasa:
Sayulita 2008
i'm still processing the trip- rather than forgetting about real life, i spent a week in deep contemplation. i wish i had the ocean close to me always- calms me down and clears my head... mother nature's answer for anti-anxiety meds.

When you're riding the rails with those wide open eyes,
Well, there's one old south paw you will always fight.
And alone on a worn-out throne
is the reigning queen of the questions
Why we blind-footed toddlers ever started out.

So don't get into it with me
When I goose-step
Across the kitchen floor
You know I still adore
All your mother's old-fashioned ways
I'm so impressed that you hear
My inventions, and that it matters more
Than what you saw with your eyes...
the shins

girls gone wilde

2008-07-28T10:25:00.004-06:00

thanks to A for passing along this little gem...

'Llectuals

whiter shade of pale

2008-07-25T10:44:00.004-06:00

The on-again, off-again trip is becoming more of a reality. Seeing as i would like to spend my days on the beach sunburn-free, i decided to investigate fake n' bake establishments. i'm a bit apprehensive- i've never indoor tanned before, and after a quick google search, i may have lost my appetite for destruction. the second link that comes up for tanning in my zip code is a taxidermy place...

2008-07-22T11:49:00.001-06:00

Reasons why anony is on my list of favorites:

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

why don't you talk dirty to me?

2008-07-18T10:46:00.002-06:00

i can barely walk. if i could only fit in an hour of boxing and four hours of dancing everyday, i would have killer legs. went to my first hip hop show last night- i feel like i've spent my almost-28-years of life missing out on all the fun. tanya morgan, prince ali, musab, knobody, blue scholars, hieroglyphics... good times- killer beats- worth the pain, for sure

it's just the sun you need...

2008-07-11T11:08:00.003-06:00

i keep stopping by, meaning to write an update, and then deciding against it. summer is disappearing too quickly, and as usual, productivity is basically at a standstill.
rather than giving all the juicy details, highlights include: a no-less-than tumultuous trip to the big D (where we relearn the meaning of loving to hate to love family...), boxing, jemez backpacking, surf movies, bbq's, datarock and ladytron, lots and lots of trivia, fit-tease (x- because it's extra baby), a visit to the zoo, hikes galore, and an ongoing battle with insomnia.

i'm a bit infuriated... this morning, i discovered that CRC fits quite comfortably into my jeans. all i've done all summer is work out and all he does is eat. i think i need a metabolism transplant.

total boy
tells me stories
sometimes they make me sorry
i need another
i need another
sugar doughnut and muffin, baby
this world is going crazy
i think i'm through listening to you...

gonna make some plans
wait and see
turn it off
turn me on
open your eyes look around you
fuck what you heard
you were lied to
-islands

war zone blues

2008-05-13T23:05:00.003-06:00

a slightly more coherent draft of my thesis proposal just floated it's way out of my mailbox and into the ether. here's hoping for a positive review.
it's earlier than expected and i don't know what to do with myself. sadly, the two things i want most are a few hours of mind-numbing cable and clean clothes- neither within my reach.
instead i will settle for sleep.

the spirit

2008-05-13T20:39:00.002-06:00

i heart frank miller.
a lot, a lot.

december seems awfully far away, but i'm thinking it will be worth the wait...

2008-05-12T21:57:00.005-06:00

I need a shot
I need a shot of ambition
I need a hit
I need a hit of nutrition
I need a fix
I need to fix my ignition

If you want to whip me into shape
I need a plan or a mission
Cause I'm gunna ride fast, going nowhere
And I left my brain in the past
I'm gunna ride fast
To where I don't care...
-Datarock

with a stolen voice, you are a runner and i am my father's son

2008-05-08T08:07:00.002-06:00

favorite things of late:

the new balance "you broke up with running" commercial

trader joe's unsweetened, iced, blueberry & pomegranate green tea (why, oh why did i only buy one bottle?)

Louisiana accents (i don't want my new friends to move)

cloudy days

messages that end in xo

gardenia

2008-05-03T09:15:00.002-06:00

i wish i was better at navigating conflict... after 27 3/4 years, one would think i'd be better equipped to handle and discuss feelings of anger and hurt. instead, during these silly but inevitable moments of life, i feel like i'm floating outside of my body, watching myself shut down.

after seeing the jicks live, i find myself crushing on stephen malkmus. his witty stage banter plus stellar lyrics multiplied by delicious nerdy-ness makes him completely irresistible.

I kinda like the way you dot your "J"s
With giant circles of naïveté
The kind of circles include everything
Don't mean to damn you with the faintest phrase
It's just a symptom of the blave age
I want to live in
He would be amazed.

So you've got some curb appeal
But can you cook a three course meal?
Or are you just a present waiting to be opened up and parceled out again? Hey!
-SM

i fought the war, but the war won

2008-04-29T20:49:00.005-06:00

my poor little blog is experiencing post-switch neglect- most definitely that time of the semester... to start off with some good school-related news: i have dates set for my master's thesis proposal and the initiation of my comps. given my penchant for putting things off until the last possible second, this is a step in the right direction. here's to a lot of pressure-fueled work in the next few weeks. sleep resumes in june.
coachella was as close to perfect as i can imagine- so worth the exhaustion. magically, i avoided sunburn and hangovers. non-musical highlights: our "22 in FL" neighbors and their failed attempt at a vodka watermelon, frozen slushy lemonades, religious solicitation in the campground, drinking tecate in the parking lot oasis, chatting with the euros in the cabana, VIP wristbands, earth juice, the fannypack-speedo brigade (best place for people watching ever!), pretty lights (particularly the cubatron, the tesla coils, and the spotlight/cage), dancing dancing and more dancing...
because of overlapping set times, we ended up listening to bits and pieces of shows- maximizing our overall coverage of the festival, but leaving me with a bunch of bands i want to see again. mostly for my own benefit (my memory is sure to fail me later on), a comprehensive list:
Fri: Battles, Les Savy Fav, Black Kids, Architecture in Helsinki, Vampire Weekend, The National, The Raconteurs, The Swell Season, Aesop Rock, Datarock, Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
Sat:VHS or Beta, Man Man, Minus the Bear, MGMT, Cold War Kids, Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, St. Vincent, Hot Chip, Death Cab for Cutie, Islands, Kraftwerk, M.I.A., Animal Collective, Portishead, Prince (with Morris Day, Jerome Benton, and Sheila E)
Sun: the Cool Kids, I'm From Barcelona, Holy Fuck, Shout Out Louds, Stars, Does It Offend You, yeah?, Gogol Bordello, Metric, Love and Rockets, Modeselektor, Sia, Roger Waters, Justice

eye candy
more pics up at picasa...

a comedy of errors

2008-04-10T07:54:00.001-06:00

looking back at my attempts to find amusement in the past (less-than-lovely) 12 months- some days, it's been harder than others. this week has been over the top, ridiculously bad- so bad that i can't help but be amused. to give you a brief taste of the sordid details, in no particular order: i locked myself out of my apartment, had to pee in a cup (with the current state of medical advancement, why is this still a routine procedure?), had a nice long walk to my car in the cold rain, and i'm being audited by the NM taxation and revenue board (for wages earned before i lived here)...
you know it's bad when my mom is asking me if i've broken a mirror lately ("no, but the cats did... does that bad luck transfer to me?")

in happier news:
coachella is looking more like a reality, just in time for me to start dreaming of a chicago trip to see thom and the boys.
mango curry shrimp is delish. as are the gigantic ginger cookies from flying star.
on my third week sans soda, and the craving is completely gone.
tonight, i have new tapes 'n tapes to keep me company on my run.

As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true. And, so it was, a wristwatch saved Harold Crick.
-Stranger than Fiction

inaugural

2008-04-03T23:45:00.002-06:00

not quite happy with the new space, but it will get there i suppose. it's amazing how i've come to rely on my blog-babble. the therapy is in the erasing- i type and re-type and mostly delete the important stuff, but it gives me some time to process. i've also noticed that i store up random bits i want to save, and it's been bothersome not having a place to keep them. particularly lyrics...

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines
-bon iver